


Weapon of Mass Destruction

by Reioka



Series: Reioka's Tumblr Prompts [17]
Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Domestic, F/M, Farting, Fluff and Humor, Humor, M/M, This Is STUPID
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-20
Updated: 2017-07-20
Packaged: 2018-12-04 13:20:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11556033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Reioka/pseuds/Reioka
Summary: It's been eight months and Bucky just want to fart comfortably in his own home. He just needs Tony to do it first.





	Weapon of Mass Destruction

**Author's Note:**

> This is from a prompt I got on my Tumblr. The prompt is: "How about a simply ridiculous prompt? Winteriron, with the first time Tony farted in front of his bf. And he’s mortified—Bucky is his first boyfriend, who is more experienced with the dating scene but who is sticking with Tony for some reason?? And Tony is sure he’s screwed this up now, that Bucky will be beyond disgusted. Ofc Bucky is no such thing and reassures Tony (after laughing his ass off/some other reaction). XP"
> 
> Guess who deviated from the prompt again!!! Who is surprised tho. With some side Stevetasha because apparently I ship that now.

Weapon of Mass Destruction

 

“When did Natasha start farting in front of you,” Bucky asked, frowning, as he fiddled with Steve’s oil pastels.

 

Steve slapped his hand away, setting down a red pastel and grabbing a gray one instead. “Stop it. I have those in the order I want.” He turned back to his easel. “And Natasha doesn’t fart in front of me.”

 

Bucky stared at him in disbelief. “…You’ve lived together for three years.”

 

“I’m not even sure she poops.”

 

“What the fuck, Steve.” Bucky turned as the door to Steve’s apartment opened. “Natasha, you poop.”

 

Natasha paused in the act of pulling one of her ballet flats off, still halfway through the door. She instead chose to stare at him silently in a mixture of disbelief and offense. Bucky could admit that it was not exactly unwarranted.

 

“Steve wasn’t sure.”

 

“…Of course I poop,” Natasha said after a moment, finally pulling her shoe off, and stepped inside to pull the door shut properly. “I’m just regular enough that I always poop at six-thirty in the morning while he’s running.”

 

Bucky blinked at her. “Seriously?”

 

“What the fuck Natasha,” Steve said, staring at her. “Oh my God. How are you so regular? Teach me.”

 

“I eat salads.”

 

“Ew gross.”

 

“ _Anyway,_ ” Bucky cut in before they could start bickering, because then he’d be forgotten. “Hi, by the way.”

 

“Hi, Bucky,” Natasha sighed, smiling a little. “Why are we talking about how often I poop?”

 

“I was actually asking when you started farting in front of Steve,” Bucky began.

 

“A month after we moved in together,” she answered immediately. “I blame it on the cat.”

 

Steve clutched his chest, staring at her with wide, hurt eyes. “ _Natasha._ Oh my God, I thought Percival was _dying_ that first time.”

 

“That was actually his fart,” Natasha explained, shrugging. “He drank some milk out of my cereal when I set it down to get the newspaper.”

 

“My life has been a lie for three years,” Steve lamented. “But that does explain why Percival’s farts have gotten less nasty.”

 

Natasha tucked her shoes into the shoe rack and stripped off her sweaty shirt, tossing it into the laundry bin nearby. “Why were you asking Steve about my farting habits? Is this a fetish?”

 

Bucky nearly vomited in his mouth at the thought. Natasha laughed at him.

 

“Oh, you were wondering when you could fart in front of Tony, right?” Steve asked, pressing a kiss to Natasha’s cheek as she passed him toward the kitchen to refill her water bottle. “You’ve been living together for eight months so it should be fine.” He smirked. “It’s only four months until the lease is up if it’s a deal breaker for you guys.”

 

“Shut the hell up, asshole,” Bucky snapped without heat, reaching out to mix up his pastels. “Fuck you and your pastels.”

 

“Nooo oh my God you fucking jerk!” Steve gasped, horrified.

 

Natasha came back in, chewing on a piece of toast smothered in almond butter. “Why don’t you talk to him about it? You’re both adults.”

 

Bucky scowled and sat back on the couch. “…He’s still really skittish about things.”

 

Steve paused in trying to reorganize his pastels. “…Even after eight months?”

 

“He’ll probably be skittish until we’re married,” the brunet replied after a moment. “You know, since I somehow have more experience than him.”

 

“With long-term relationships? Yes,” Natasha pointed out. “With casual sex? He could run circles around you.” She thought about a moment. “…If he ever chose to run for anything but coffee and Pepper’s wrath.”

 

Bucky sighed, slouching down further in his seat. “I just—There’s nothing _wrong_ with wanting to fart whenever you want, right?”

 

“In your own home?” Steve shrugged. “No. Although I guess you could always blame it on Dum-E if you were really embarrassed.”

 

“Dum-E has already developed a ‘he’s trying to blame me for something I didn’t do’ beep,” Bucky mumbled petulantly.

 

Natasha choked on a bite of toast in her attempt to laugh at him.

 

.-.-.-.

 

Bucky had plans to discuss the topic with Tony, he just… had no idea how to bring up the topic. He hadn’t lied about Tony being skittish. Tony was so afraid to do something wrong that he often beat himself up over things that Bucky didn’t even notice until Tony told him. Someday Bucky was going to find all the people that hurt him and murder each and every one of them slowly.

 

“How should I approach this, Dum-E?” Bucky sighed, leaning his chin on his hand as the robot puttered around Tony’s workshop.

 

Dum-E turned from trying to organize a toolbox, letting out an inquisitive beep.

 

“Should I just come out and say I’m tired of having to go to the bathroom when we’re cuddling? And that I know it’s okay if he’d rather I keep doing that as long as I had to stop hiding the fact that it’s to fart?”

 

Dum-E’s claw spun thoughtfully before he did the equivalent of a shrug and returned to his organizing.

 

“You’re no help at all,” Bucky complained.

 

_“Sergeant Barnes, Sir has asked me to inform you that he is home and he has brought Chinese,”_ JARVIS cut in before he could continue to complain at the robot.

 

“Great,” Bucky mumbled, getting to his feet, and apologized to his stomach for forcing it to hold gas in it ahead of time.

 

.-.-.-.

 

Bucky didn’t get a chance to bring up the topic, because three days later, Tony’s eyes widened, and he made a quiet ‘meep’ before turning toward him.

 

Tony reached up to cup his cheeks and looked him in the eye. “Bucky. I just want you to know that I love you, and I’m sorry.”

 

Bucky frowned in confusion because what? _What?_ Was Tony—breaking up with him?!

 

Tony leaned in to press a quick kiss to his lips before he turned and ran from the room—ran from the _apartment._

 

Bucky gaped after him, hurt. “What the fuck was-? Did he just—”

 

_“I suggest you leave the room posthaste, Sergeant Barnes,”_ JARVIS said pleasantly.

 

Bucky scowled up at one of his cameras, opening his mouth to let loose a tirade, but then— _then._

 

“Oh my God,” Bucky choked out, bringing his arm up to cover his nose with his sleeve. “Oh my God what is that.”

 

_“Please vacate the room, Sergeant Barnes,”_ JARVIS repeated firmly.

 

Bucky didn’t need to be told a third time. He hadn’t run this fast since boot camp.

 

.-.-.-.

 

“My smoothies,” Tony said apologetically when Bucky caught up to him downstairs. “They’re—they’re green. I’m sorry. I should have warned you. I just thought, um—”

 

“Oh my God,” Bucky wheezed, crushing Tony to his chest. “You were trying to protect me. _Honey._ ”

 

“You’re—you’re not mad?” Tony asked after a moment, hiding his face in his chest.

 

Bucky clutched him tighter, running his hand through his hair. “Oh, sweetheart, _no._ I’m not mad. I’m just sorry you didn’t feel comfortable enough to tell me.” Bucky paused, then whispered, “Oh my God you could kill someone with that though.”

 

“’m sorry!” Tony repeated, blushing.

 

“I’m serious, you should weaponize that,” Bucky continued.

 

Tony whined, clenching Bucky’s shirt tightly and pressing his forehead to his chest. “Bucky!”

 

Bucky laughed. “Aw, doll, I’m just teasing!” He tilted his head. “…Mostly.”

 

“Buck!” Tony whined again, looking up at him with wide, hurt eyes.

 

“Shhh no I’m teasing,” Bucky hurried to assure him. “I’m sorry.”

 

Still, he wondered if he could get away with telling Steve and Natasha all about this. They were usually pretty good about realizing when they should and shouldn’t tease Tony.

 

.-.-.-.

 

“Did you really ask Natasha if she poops?” Tony asked, frowning.

 

Telling Steve and Natasha had backfired completely because Tony was looking at Bucky like he was an idiot now. “Maybe?”

 

“What the fuck, Bucky, she’s not a _robot._ ”

 

“Steve wondered first!” Bucky screeched defensively.


End file.
